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A tough question

RELATIONSHIP IS A TWO WAY STREET. WHEN ONE PERSON IS TRYING TO BUILD AND THE OTHER IS RUDE AND PURPOSELY DIGGING WITH CRUDE REMARKS. As for the woman, they are supposed to submit. What is your response?

This question raises several issues at once. Not sure how to tackle it all but let's just start in.

1. When one person is trying and the other is not, we really need to just focus on our own part. We can clearly communicate our needs and desires to our spouse but if we manipulate them into it we will only drive things further apart. Remember, the goal is a great marriage, not to fix or change your spouse. Find small things to work on, work on those. Work on daily improvements, it won't all fix overnight. Give your spouse a sense of accomplishment. Encourage them when they do things right. Many spouses don't try because they don't think it will make any difference and they don't think they are capable of anything else.

2. Submission is a very sensitive topic. I think it is so misunderstood in our day that even using the word messes people up. The best treatment of this subject I have seen is a book called, "Love and Respect". It is a tough read but is sooooo important. It grieves me that we so often get submission wrong in marriage. That is is used as a tool of destruction instead of a tool of love. Suffice it to say, if you figure this area out, you will be soooo glad you did, if you get this area wrong... it will be very painful. There is so much misinformation out there on this subject that you need to be careful where and how you learn it. I would start with the book, "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. http://www.loveandrespect.com/

Marraige Questions...A great question

What are my requirements as a Christian woman to my unbelieving husband, to my church, and to my family? If my husband does not attend church or church meetings I must go alone to the church and leave him alone. For many working families, the only time they have to spend together is a Sunday. Is it wrong to spend time with my husband rather than go to church?

You need to work hard to have a great marriage. This includes spending quantity and quality time with your spouse. You also are a committed follower of Jesus and need to give yourself wholeheartedly to that. This is not either/or it is both. When you feel that they are in conflict with each other you need to find ways to engage them both. I don't think it is unreasonable at all to be committed to church, serving, giving etc. and to be committed to your marriage. Many married people are committed to a sport that they play, daily exercises, and dozens of other things that they do on their own and yet find ways to keep their marriage a priority as well. You may have to give up other things in your life to make these two things a priority but if they are both priorities, do them both and neglect other stuff. I would encourage you to spend time with your husband at other times and still go to church. I think you could do both, but it may mean sacrificing on some other area.

I did talk about some similar issues in another earlier blog on being married to a non-Christian.

Have you ever had a marriage mentor or someone who taught you about marriage?

Have you ever had a marriage mentor or someone who taught you about marriage?

Hmmm...not specifically. We have learned a lot from hundreds of people. Lots of what to do and what not to do. Probably Les and Leslie Parrot are the couple we have learnt the most from. We have never met them but read their books and been to their conferences. We learn a lot from sermons, DVD's, conferences, books and workbooks. We do ask lots of older married people for advice so it adds up.

How did your marriage become successful?

How did your marriage become successful?

For me personally, my marriage is WAY better than I ever dreamed possible. Way way way better than I could have asked or thought. I am blown away most days of my life with this reality.

That being said, we have persevered through many times where we wanted to give up. We have had days where the pain was so deep we thought we would die of broken hearts. Where we thought we had made a terrible mistake.

1. Perseverance.
2. Hard work and intentionality.
3. Really...she is just amazing. If it was me, our marriage would stink. She rocks! Thank you God.

Hmm...not sure how helpful that answer is but... maybe some others have some thoughts on that. My wife would likely say,

1. God
2. God
3. God

What do you do when one spouse wants to spend and the other wants to save?

What do you do when one spouse wants to spend and the other wants to save?

Okay, great question. This is going to be true in every marriage. Even if you are both savers, still one of you is more of a spender than the other one. Here are a few principles.

1. We live in a spend crazy culture. The saver is usually right. (I can say this because I am the spender in our marriage).
2. Give each other some room to breathe. Stifling rules set you up for lying to each other and for 'walking on eggshells', not healthy relationship patterns.
3. Never be in a hurry. If you disagree about a purchase. Wait. Set a date where you will discuss it again (in a week or a month) after you have done some thinking about it.
4. Enjoy a 'splurge' once in a while. This doesn't mean buy a Mercedes, it means go for ice cream. :)
5. Set some parameters together of what is and isn't okay. Is it okay to spend $10 without my spouse knowing about it? Be careful of setting these too strict, you want a loving partnership not a parent. It's about great communication, not about getting permission.
6. We live in a spend crazy culture. The saver is usually right. I know I said it before. But let's just be honest. We know it's true. Why lie to ourselves?

How do you keep God in the centre of your relationship?

This is a tough one becuase it looks different for everyone. Any new activity feels awkward at first. You have to be willing to push through the askwardness of this area.

1. Leadership. One person is usually the leader in this. If they become resentful that they have to lead they will pull back. I would encourage whoever is the leader in this (who usually initiates spiritual stuff in the marriage) CHOOSE not to be resentful that you are the leader in this area and just do it. If you tend not to be the initiator (leader) in this area of the marriage, you need to appreciate that the other person is leading and be a willing and helpful participant. (It makes it very tough and difficult for the other person if you are grumbling and complaining your way through it when they are trying to do something that is a blessing for you.) I reject the idea that this always has to be the man. It is great though, if you both are willing to step up and provide some leadership in this.

2. Training not trying. Basically you need a mentality that says you will develop a God-centered marriage over the course of years not overnight. What daily activities can you engage in that will help? Take baby steps. Do it daily, not all in a day. Try to customize your plan for you.

3. Some ideas. Attend conferences together. Read the Bible together (just one chapter). Read a short devotional together (Our Daily Bread). Each say a prayer in the car, before you leave in the morning, in bed at night or on you way places. One of the things that works well for us is that we pray when we are going places together. Say we are heading to a friends house for lunch....we each say a prayer on the way. Listen for more ideas, there are tons of great ideas, the options are in the millions.

4. Get around others who are God-centered. Be involved in your church. Talk about the sermon together afterwards.

5. Give each other some grace. Realize you are not both going to be in the mood all the time. Just like sex. Sometimes you do it even when your not in the mood and sometimes you are nice enough to let it go when the other person is not in the mood. Remember that sometimes when you do it even though you don't feel like it, you are glad you did after it all and you realize you did feel like it, you just needed to press through.

6. Be really really really determined to build this over the long haul. Determination and perseverance are key!

Marriage:Unsripted - Answering Your Questions - Part 2

Question 2: In regards to compatability when we are thinking of getting married. It is clear that a believer and an unbeliever should not get married. But what if there are smaller differences like, one believes loud music is of the world and the other enjoys it, or if one believes we are living in the end times and we need to prepare and the other does not, those type of differences?  If the basic, fundamental beliefs are shared by both but the smaller things differ, how hard would that be on a marriage?  Would it create enough of a tension to not get married as we all know marriage is work?
 

A     A person who is fanatical about these things (end times, types of music) etc. may want to look for someone who has similar views. The problem I foresee is not so much in the difference of views but the difference between a person who likes this stuff and a person who finds it irritating. I could see this causing some pretty big problems.

2.       I do not see these differences (small doctrinal things) as a big deal at all. In fact, it would be hard to imagine any two people on the planet who would agree entirely on these things let alone two people who got married. It is not likely that any couple would agree on these things let alone on hundreds of other things. I would be more concerned about differences of values such as, the value of stability or spontaneity, of commitment or freedom, or lots of other things.

3.       It is wise, however, to find someone that we agree with as much as possible. Certainly on major direction in life it is essential that we agree.

4.       To some degree it is about choosing to work together more than it is about compatibility. I would be more concerned about a person’s character than about their personality. I would be more concerned about working on my own character as well if I want to be a good spouse. If our character is right, we can get through most differences in opinion.

a.       Here are some character questions.

                                                               i.      How are their friendships? Are they edifying?

                                                             ii.      How is their money? (The way a person handles their money says more about their character than many many things)

                                                            iii.      How is their work ethic? Job reputation? (Again, this is huge)

                                                           iv.      Do they have ANY addictions? (Small addictions?)

                                                             v.      What is in their past? Be smart about learning as much of this as you possibibly can. And if you have a rough past, it's only fair to let your future spouce know.

                                                           vi.      Are there missing character pieces? (ie do they tend to take responsibility for their situation or blame others, etc.)

                                                          vii.      How steady is their walk with God? How steady is their commitment to church? Serving in ministry? Serving those in need?

                                                        viii.      How is their relationship with family members?

Marriage:Unscripted

This last Sunday we had one of the most fun and creative services we have ever had. We invited several couples to be on a panel answering our marriage questions. Throughout the week you facebooked, blogged, and e-mailed over 40 questons. We were only able to answer abound 12 questions so I thought the conversation could continue via blog.

So for the next few days, we will be listing some of the questions and I will comment on some of my thoughts on them. I would also welcome your advice, so feel free to post back.


Question # 1: My thoughts are usually negative first. I have tried to overcome but I keep falling into the same rut. I would like to overcome this and I do direct this attitude towards my wife. How can I get positive and remove negativity?

Answer: First, you are not alone in this. Many people have a tendency towards negativity. Other people have faced this too and many of them have found ways out.
Second: You are right that it is incredibly destructive for your marriage. Negtivity is a poison and it brings us down. It is important for you to own this as your problem and something that needs be be fixed if the marriage is going to get better.
Third: I would start by taking some very simple and easy steps towards specifically being positive towards her. Such as: Always say something good about her every time to meet her (come home, leave, etc.). Write her a card where you list the things you appreciate about her (and give it with some flowers). If you have kids, ask them what they appreciate about her. These activities get the right chemicals moving in your brain.
Last: I would work specifically on yourself and negativity. Get help. A book, a counsellor, a trusted friend, an article.  

All that being said, there have been some very negative people who have navigated very good marriages. Albeit, it was hard, they persevered and over compensated in some other areas but they made it work. So don't give up hope. Fight like crazy for it and when it seems like you are losing some days, remember that God is big enough.

A Plea!

I love marriage. I think it is one of the greatest gifts God gave. But I watch hundreds of people I know destroy themselves and the people they once loved by simply being bad at marriage. Did you know you can be good at marriage or bad at it? Did you know there is very little you can do to make your spouse good at marriage but tons you can do to get good at it yourself?

I have known many people who worked hard at their part of marriage, married to a person who was terrible at it and hardly tried at all. Was it tough? Yes. Painful? Yes. But worth it? Absolutely.

We need to quit focusing on our spouses roles and focus on our own.

There are millions of people who could have great marriages today who instead are living in loneliness and pain simply because they did not give themselves to becoming great at marriage. PLEASE, read every book you can, attend every seminar you can, listen to every happily married person you can, get counselling, do whatever it takes, to work hard at being a great spouse.

That might include coming to our marriage conference on February 19 with Dr. Gary Smalley, Chondra Pierce and many more. $40/person $60/couple.

Hope you can make it!
http://www.victorymj.com/event/event6.php

"Help My Marriage: Unscripted"

Hey everybody, I need your help right away for about 3 minutes.
This Sunday (in honour of Valentine's Day) we are doing a new and fun service called, "Marriage: Unscripted". We will be having a panel of married people discussing and answering your questions during the Sunday morning service at Victory.

This is where I need your help. Could you take 3 minutes and think up your best marriage questions you would ask to someone who you looked up to? Or a question you would like to hear answered? Doesn't matter if you attend our church or not.

Please e-mail them to me or reply to this blog...the sooner the better (if you did it right now that would be awesome). No question is too big or small, no question is out of bounds. Go for it. Ask away.

pastordan@victorymj.com

Focus on The Family Marriage Seminar in Moose Jaw - Saturday, Feb. 27

We held a CCN marriage conference like this at our church a few months ago. The people who attended were blown away by the humour, helpful advice and great price of the day. Here are some of the comments we received.

"My husband and I so badly needed this. Things had just gotten stale and we needed to laugh together."

"I want my money back; my stomach hurts to much from laughing so hard! Thanks for putting this on; it was awesome!"

"I came dragging my feet and hoping to find a way to skip out. I figured it would be all about how husbands need to change. Am I ever glad I came. I was very impressed with the whole thing. In fact, I think the ladies got challenged more than the guys! It helped my wife and I a lot. Thanks!"

Being able to go to a conference of this calibre for $60/couple is amazing. My wife and I have spent hundreds of dollars going to similar conferences. It is well worth the investment in your marriage!

Childcare is avilable for $12/child (they have to bring their own bag lunch)

8:30 a.m.-3:30 p.m. at Victory Church

http://www.victorymj.com/

Gary Smalley and Kevin Lehman This Saturday

We are hosting a marriage conference at Victory this Saturday. I am so excited about the chance to learn, laugh, grow, and be challenged in our marriages. Conferences like these are some of the best opportunities and most memerable experiences, and they are soooo worth it. Maybe you're sitting back, not sure if you have time, money, or energy for something like this. Let me encourage you to go for it. You will be glad you did when it is all said and done. Sign up by calling 691-5051 or e-mailing me at pastordan@victorymj.com. Click on the picture to see a clearer image and find out more about this Satuday's conference. (9:30 am-4 pm...kids' day camp available for ages 3-11 for $15/child)

Don't Miss This!

One of the best decisions I made in my life was to continuously work hard at my marriage. If you haven't been doing that for your marriage up until this point, start now; you will be glad you did! Keep on getting and growing in wisdom, good sense and knowledge.

"A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with all sorts of precious riches and valuables."
Proverbs 24:3-4

Here is a shameless plug for a great event. Saturday, Oct 17 - 9:30 am-3:30 pm.

Join us for  Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr. Kevin Leman live via satellite for "The Heart of a Great Marriage". The cost is $50/couple or $30/person until this Monday. Then it goes up by $10. Call us at Victory Church or come by our offices on Monday to get your tickets or for more information. Phone: 306-691-5051.