Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Marriage:Unsripted - Answering Your Questions - Part 2

Question 2: In regards to compatability when we are thinking of getting married. It is clear that a believer and an unbeliever should not get married. But what if there are smaller differences like, one believes loud music is of the world and the other enjoys it, or if one believes we are living in the end times and we need to prepare and the other does not, those type of differences?  If the basic, fundamental beliefs are shared by both but the smaller things differ, how hard would that be on a marriage?  Would it create enough of a tension to not get married as we all know marriage is work?

A     A person who is fanatical about these things (end times, types of music) etc. may want to look for someone who has similar views. The problem I foresee is not so much in the difference of views but the difference between a person who likes this stuff and a person who finds it irritating. I could see this causing some pretty big problems.

2.       I do not see these differences (small doctrinal things) as a big deal at all. In fact, it would be hard to imagine any two people on the planet who would agree entirely on these things let alone two people who got married. It is not likely that any couple would agree on these things let alone on hundreds of other things. I would be more concerned about differences of values such as, the value of stability or spontaneity, of commitment or freedom, or lots of other things.

3.       It is wise, however, to find someone that we agree with as much as possible. Certainly on major direction in life it is essential that we agree.

4.       To some degree it is about choosing to work together more than it is about compatibility. I would be more concerned about a person’s character than about their personality. I would be more concerned about working on my own character as well if I want to be a good spouse. If our character is right, we can get through most differences in opinion.

a.       Here are some character questions.
                                                               i.      How are their friendships? Are they edifying?
                                                             ii.      How is their money? (The way a person handles their money says more about their character than many many things)
                                                            iii.      How is their work ethic? Job reputation? (Again, this is huge)
                                                           iv.      Do they have ANY addictions? (Small addictions?)
                                                             v.      What is in their past? Be smart about learning as much of this as you possibibly can. And if you have a rough past, it's only fair to let your future spouce know.
                                                           vi.      Are there missing character pieces? (ie do they tend to take responsibility for their situation or blame others, etc.)
                                                          vii.      How steady is their walk with God? How steady is their commitment to church? Serving in ministry? Serving those in need?
                                                        viii.      How is their relationship with family members?